fair warning: discusses mental illness, sexual and gender variance and consent or the lack thereof.
I’ve noticed a startling thing about fandoms: some of them are really, really good places to learn about being queer.
Anonymous asked genderfluidity:
Hi, I just now came across this page and wanted to ask. I’ve always been confused. I’m not straight, not bi, not gay. I am an 18yr old girl and dress like one, but occasionally I’ll pull my hair back and dress in guy clothes. It’s comfortable for me. Other days I’ll dress as a girl and feel great. I’m attracted to guys and girls, and even have a boyfriend that I have talked to about this and he feels the same way just opposite.I guess I’m just asking what you think I could be..=/
Hi!
Don’t feel bad about being confused - we get lots of questions like this, and rest be assured you’re not the only one who feels this way. I can’t however tell you what gender(s) I think you are with the information you’ve given me; instead, I’ll try my best to clarify some things which may help you figure things out.
I’m not straight, not bi, not gay…I’m attracted to guys and girls
Sexual orientation doesn’t define your gender! I’m queer, and I’m attracted to all genders, but so is my agender partner, and so are many cis men and women. (However, seeing as you say you are not bisexual: are you attracted to genders other than male and female? If so, and if you’re seeking an identification for your sexuality, you could try pansexual or polysexual on for size. I prefer just “queer” because it’s a catch-all for non-straight people and I identify as non-straight more than anything else.)
occasionally I’ll pull my hair back and dress in guy clothes.
Dressing in a way more typical of the opposite gender also doesn’t define your gender. A friend I used to have was 100% cis and hetero, but the biggest tomboy in presentation and behaviour I’ve ever met. (We stopped being friends because she’s a fundamentalist religious type and kinda disapproves of me not being cis and hetero.) If you feel like “an 18yr old girl” is who you are and not just who society says you are, then don’t feel like you need to justify your desire to dress or behave differently with gender identity, because you don’t need an excuse to be you and live the life you want to!
However, if you feel that these factors are part of an expression of an underlying gender identity but still aren’t sure what that might be, I have a few recommendations:
- Read lots! There are plenty of tumblr blogs about gender identity, but Wikipedia and other more specific resources for trans* and non-binary people are also very useful. I came across genderfluidity on accident and it just clicked. That happens for many of us, but others grow into an identity.
- Bear in mind that gender identity can change over a lifetime. As a child, I identified as male when I was actually thinking about gender, being basically neutral otherwise as many children are; when I became old enough and religious enough to realize that was a problem, I promptly tried to be as cis as humanly possible. Now I’m genderfluid and it fits, but I won’t be upset or feel like I’ve been living a lie if one day in the future I find that this identity doesn’t fit any longer. I’ll just try others on for size!
- Don’t feel that you’re a fraud of a non-binary person if you slip into “girl” roles too easily. It’s difficult to not be someone who you’ve been told you are all your life, or at least pretend to be. Besides, how you behave or how you’re read has nothing to do with your gender identity! Many of the days when I’m read as “super girly” I’m actually most distinctly feeling like a very queer male, and that’s a very different femininity for me but looks the same to everyone else.
Good luck on your gender journey! I’ll leave you with a quote by André Gide: ”One does not discover new lands without consenting to lose sight of the shore for a very long time.” Exploring gender identity means you’ll have to let go of the ideas you already have about gender and gender roles, ideas you’ve probably had for a very long time, and that everyone around you also has. It means a lot of checking yourself when you say or think binary-supporting or cisnormative stuff, especially at first. But you’ll get there, and be happier for it - and the other trans* people around you will be too!
—Key
Just reblogging something I posted over at the genderfluidity tumblr because it’s pretty indicative of my general take on gender identity etc.
something I just drew instead of working on assignments. that second panel was meant to be a binder, and the fourth stockings, but I can’t draw (and it was a very quick sketch) :P
Source: kamikazeballoon.deviantart.com
I know that people outside the binary fall under the trans* umbrella, but it’s still not something I feel comfortable identifying as.
The fact of the matter is that transgender individuals, especially those who were male-assigned at birth, have it a hell of a lot harder than I do as a FAAB genderfluid person. I’m four-foot-ten. There’s no chance that I’ll be taken as anything other than a young teenage guy or a woman, and in either case I’m not perceived as a threat or, in general, at risk of assault due to my gender identity. It’s of course annoying when I’m feeling and trying to present as male, but that isn’t even my whole life. I get breaks from being dysphoric, so to speak.
The second thing that consistently bugs me about the trans* umbrella is that there are people who would never identify as anything other than cisgendered but are nonetheless gender-non-conforming. And I feel like these people, though they don’t fall under this umbrella, share experiences with me just as much as a transgender person might. It’s more annoying, less life-threatening; still soul-sapping in a lot of cases where expressing oneself is damn near impossible. Further, saying “My gender changes” sounds as absurd to the average ear as “I’m a straight guy but I love <stereotypically very feminine thing here>”. Which is a mixed bag; it means that as long as we live in the roles we’ve been assigned we’re safer than those who can’t, but it also means that we’re less likely to be taken seriously (which is, again, a good thing where being taken seriously means being beaten up).
Much of the discomfort I have with identifying as trans* is that, honestly, in everyday life, I’m not just stealth but mostly okay with being read as female. My general weirdness is more my identity than my genderfluidity in particular is. Gender really isn’t that big a factor at all for me. (I’m pondering whether I’m more agender than anything else - but the fact remains that some days I’m dysphoric and some days I’m not.)
But if I’m honest with myself, there’s some selfish, irrational fears to it as well. As a child I was suspected to be trans, being as vocally masculine as I was. In hindsight, lots of the things I did would have been rather alarming to those around me when they were just me being me - a powerpuff-girl-loving child who wanted to be a dad one day. And that led to much bullying and ostracisation - as it later did to the six months of prolonged abuse which have colored so much of my adult life. That’s why recognizing that I had dysphoria was so hard: because I never wanted to go through that again.
TL;DR:
I’m not trans. I have distinct cis privilege despite being genderfluid, and that’s why I don’t identify as such. I’d feel like I was appropriating an identity which came with hardship I don’t face. But I am always an advocate for and identify with those who are gender-non-conforming in any way, and that encompasses the trans* umbrella and more.
So I decided it was getting frustrating trying to explain me to people, so I annotated a genderbread man from here. I figure I’ll just link people to this next time.
Gender identity
My default state is just not feeling that gender is even a thing (agender), or wanting to be simultaneously male and female (androgyny, I guess) but some days I’m definitely 100% female (and once in a while I have a day or two where I get dysphoric over not having a penis and want to cut my uterus out). I figure the only way to describe that is genderfluid; my gender changes. It doesn’t change who I am at that second, and really you can just address me with any pronoun (except “it”) at any point. Just don’t call me a woman; I don’t like that word. Not sure why.
Gender expression
Some days, as you no doubt would know if you know me in person, I’m undeniably presenting as female. Sometimes I do drop my voice and speak from my chest, and express in a more typically male way. But mostly I go for androgyny: either in genderless dressing (flannel shirt and jeans, anyone?) or in mixing gendered cues.
Biological sex
I was assigned female at birth.
Attracted to
Welp, this might take a little explaining. I’m more romantically attracted to guys, or to masculinity in any gender really, but a little more sexually attracted to femininity. Also, trans* people (and anyone else who doesn’t present as gender-conforming) just really…hot damn, man, they tick all the boxes.
Anyway. In general I don’t get romantically attached very easily at all (to do with the fact that I just don’t do emotion a lot of the time, and don’t often choose to let myself into a relatively vulnerable situation.) Comfortable with my sexuality, but thus far I haven’t tended to have sex outside committed relationships, since the amount of sexual baggage I’m still dealing with is a bit unfair to offload on anyone else. Oh, and I’m also polyamorous, which means that I can have multiple committed relationships at one point, with everyone involved having full knowledge of course.
Okay, that’s all my explaining in one diagram! For more info on each of these scales, there’s a bit more explaining at the first genderbread diagram. Neither is quite accurate, but it’s useful. I feel that gender and all the other things are quiiite a lot more complicated than can be represented, but this is as close to making sense out of it as I can get.
