meet the blogger
LAYER ONE: THE OUTSIDE
- name: kiran
- eye color: dark brown
- hair style/color: short on the sides, growing out to about 2” on the top, 2/3” of black regrowth all around under red (fading to orange/yellow on the long bit)
- height: 4’10”
- clothing style: whatever i happen to pull on. cargo shorts and a poorly-fitted dress shirt and two binders? clingy miniskirt and fishnets? both possibilities
- best physical feature: probably the fucking hourglass figure i’d like to change half the time tbh
LAYER TWO: THE INSIDE
- your fears: one of my choices ripple-effect-ing into a world that’s worse than one that could have been, cockroaches, being assaulted, continuing to live a meaningless painful life, being secretly hated by everyone i thought was my friend
- your guilty pleasure: existing
- ambitions for the future: i used to have heaps but at the moment living through this year is enough
LAYER THREE: THOUGHTS
- your first thoughts waking up: fuck i’m going to be late for uni/psych appointment/whatever
- what you think about most: all the ways in which my life is “wasted potential”
- what you think about before bed: this is really painful but it’s probably a hallucination so i’ll ride it out
- you think your best quality is: my ability to use words? most of the time anyway
LAYER FOUR: WHAT’S BETTER?
- single or group dates: what??
- to be loved or respected: how do you- both, i crave approval from everyone but affection from a smaller group
- beauty or brains: neither? conventions of beauty and intelligence are both based on oppressive structures esp. ableism
- dogs or cats: allergic to both, wondering if a mental health service dog would help me
LAYER FIVE: DO YOU
- lie: compulsively
- believe in yourself: no
- believe in love: currently wondering if i’m aromantic. in general yes though i guess
- want someone: how do you mean???
LAYER SIX: EVER?
- been on stage: yup, lots
- done drugs: abuse of prescription drugs, sure
- changed who you were to fit in: never sure if that’s what i’m doing at any given moment
LAYER SEVEN: FAVORITES
- favorite color: always been purple and teal
- favorite animal: no fucking clue
- favorite movie: blockbuster: the avengers; kids’: toy story 3; other: lust, caution
LAYER EIGHT: AGE
- day your next birthday will be: apparently saturday
- how old will you be: 19
- does age matter: really depends on what for, age is a construct that doesn’t reflect actual maturity etc in a lot of cases but is the only viable way in our society to protect the less mature currently
identity crisis time
- wtf do i do with my psych saying “insane”/”mad” etc are words that have a “very specific meaning” and that i shouldn’t self-describe as (most of her argument, as w most professionals here, is about the fact that my self-awareness that i’m crazy apparently makes me not crazy, like, delusions of saneness + categorization as insane/delusional by neurotypical people in positions of power are required to be insane)
- is it appropriative for me to id as just “brown” to indicate the liminal ways my race is perceived in auckland given brownness more commonly denotes people less likely to benefit from ‘model minority’ stereotypes and/or implicitly being perceived as allies to white people in imperialist oppression
- gradually realizing that the way i feel abt dee is p much the way i feel abt my sister, and, uh, i strongly describe the latter relationship as extremely queerplatonic so do i actually have any romantic capacity whatsoever (i find myself asking “what is romantic love anyway”, and the last time i asked that it was “what is sexual attraction anyway”, and then i figured i was p much ace, so, uh)
- but then what do i do abt dee? i already feel bad bc i wasn’t so sex-repulsed when we started off and i feel like i owe them (which is unhealthy, i know, esp. since we started off when i was a baby who shouldn’t have been expected to know anything esp. given traumastuff)
- but. am i poly? where do queerplat things fit in? can one be queerplat w/ a cishet guy? do i fucking want to remotely consider being aro given my feelings abt ace as an identity/ my insistence on just IDing as “queer” bc no other western term feels remotely like home, remotely like something i can own as a brown crazy person/ my weirdness abt separating identities from trauma-related or head-related bullshit?
- is there a need for identities predicated on non-neurotypicality specifically?? maybe there is
- on that note: do i have the right to id/self-dx as autistic? every time i’ve brought it up formally it’s been, depending on the psych, bullshit ranging from “you’re eloquent, you’re not autistic” through “you’re bright enough you could fake autism if you wanted to, we’re not even gonna try test you”, to “no but i guess you could be but what’s the point trying to separate your trauma-related hypersensitivities from potential autism”, which is a fair point but??? still an important thing to be able to do?
- i’ve taken to “areligious” instead of atheist bc again, not fond of white bullshit, and also bc i don’t know what’s out there but not in an agnostic sense? i’m p sure there’s shit out there, i mostly have a problem w organized religion and not w much else. i’m hoping that’s not in any way appropriative.
putting this in the autism tag for potential advice, lemme know if i tagged this wrong and/or need extra cw tags or something
Q:Sorry for the anon, dont have tumblr (yet). while i'm deciding whether or not to make one, i want to ask about tumblrs of a political nature (such as yours sometimes). how do you speak your mind w/o offending friends with different beliefs? have you ever posted something you regretted?
have i ever posted something i regretted? hell yeah, all the time. i don’t tend to delete things because i’m, uh, both reckless and entirely prone to overdisclosing even in real life anyway (and because i was a wikipedian; there’s plenty of even more mortifying stuff in the public record from when i was barely a teenager and thought i was super smart on a super highly trafficked website, so, y’know), but: my political views have certainly changed since i made a tumblr. there is some truly embarrassing poetry etc in the first few pages of my blog. don’t go looking for it, please. it’s bad. expect your views to change, too! that’s just part of time passing, i guess, that at the very least we develop more nuance in what we think.
(also, if you’re mentally ill like me: don’t post stuff on your blog you don’t want your psych to see, and then link your psych to something on your blog. bad idea.)
how do i speak my mind without offending friends? ha. well. i don’t, really, is the short answer.
- with some friends (e.g. friends who started off as TERFs etc but have since moved on), it’s been a process of talking to them privately and seeing if we can’t resolve our differences.
- with some friends (the conservative christian ones, in particular), there’s just no way not to be completely baffling and alien and offensive to them with who i am, much less my political views, so i don’t try. when there’s that big a chasm, chances are they just drift away as friends, and given these are the kinds of people who are prone to misgendering me and otherwise being terrible, i’m not too fussed. i’d honestly rather they know than not know and expect me to agree with them. at the very least they don’t talk politics with me any more, and that’s the way i like it.
- with other friends, it’s more that the stuff i post or the position i come from is upsetting? so, y’know, people with a history of related trauma, or people for whom their personal situation is so tied up w a particular oppressive system that they just don’t fucking want to hear anything more about it, much less from a theoretical text post, or so on. for these people i try to create a tag that’s specific enough for them to blacklist, so they don’t have to see what they don’t want to see! (there are blacklist add-ons for browsers; even people who don’t have tumblr could blacklist posts in the same way, i think, but that might be a bit more work.) and of course, if i’m wrong (i’ve said, for example, whorephobic things in the past), i stand corrected and try my best not to be horrible or in any way upsetting.
if you’re okay with it, i’m really curious as to how you found my tumblr if you don’t have one? via my facebook or okcupid? or via genderfluidity, perhaps? i don’t need any more info than that (if you’re somebody i know, you don’t need to say who, but you can if you want to).
ok then!! i’ve been messing w fr all day and if there’s no eclipse round these parts now that it’s down i should probably actually do some studying
goals for today: type up some coherent notes about public law principles, reply to/forward the few emails i need to respond to, maybe do some ao3 testing
wait is there an eclipse
i joined flight rising, in case that wasn’t already obvious; i’m asynchrony, #44499, if anybody wants to friend me or send me things. i have no idea how this works.